GGRRR

Today I'm on a war path and it's only 12:29 am.  I think for quite a while I've been bottling up lots of feelings and as of now  I quit.  The boy and I have a not healthy relationship but last weekend we had what I thought to be a meaningful and insightful conversation regarding Dyl and how we want to proceed in the future.  And then he pissed me off today prompting me to send him the following email:

I have been giving a lot of thought to what I asked you last weekend and how you never replied.  I figure you haven't responded because Dylan isn't a priority to you- she never has been and never will be.  Even though you haven't put that into words, you actions up until this point speak volumes.  I feel like you'll never view me in anything but a negative light even though I've tried up until this point to make this as painless as possible for you.  Maybe I was wrong for that.  Maybe instead of telling you I'd be open to a modification in the beginning I should have been asking why you weren't doing anything in the order.  You received a modification and still aren't following the order.  I'm attaching the child support spreadsheet I've been keeping.  If you'll recall, the order indicated that as of August you were not only supposed to be making your monthly payment but paying down the arrears as well.  The order was signed nine months ago.  The monthly support due to date (not including the arrears) is $8,303.13.  When you add the arrears that you were to have paid down by now that number becomes $10,103.13.  You've paid $1,750 and have yet to visit once.  That's 17% of the support due.  And you haven't procured health insurance, and you haven't obtained life insurance. I asked if you moved as it is stated in the order that I will be notified promptly if your address changes.  I asked about life changes as you are supposed to have visitation in Arkansas with Dylan when she turns 4 under the current order, it would be nice to know where that would take place and who else would be involved with my child on a regular basis.   

You are obviously not taking the order, Dylan, or me seriously.  You work everyday and pay your other bills, I'm sure.  You contribute to your mother's household upkeep and if you've moved I doubt you're living for free.  I'm not sure why you don't treat this like any other obligation you have but you don't.  There are a few options available to us at this point.  I have a meeting with an attorney on Monday that I set up well before finding out that you had a new job.  I am meeting with him to discuss a modification and contempt charges.  I attached the order and redline changes I intend to discuss with him.  Here are some of the proposed changes- no joint custody, visitation to be determined by me, no deviation as you have not adhered to the visitation schedule.  No guardianship to you if something happens to me- I want to know that Dylan will be with her family that loves her, an income deduction order as well.  Hopefully you will be amenable to these changes.  It is my goal to not file the contempt motion if the rest of these changes can take affect.  At this point it is not my intention to modify the amount of support due, but if you don't want to discuss the changes that I am proposing, we can revisit that as well.  I imagine that at your new job you're making more than you did at your old one.  In addition to the contempt order, the attorney suggested contacting the AR bar to have your license suspended.  AR Code allows for that to happen outside of the OCSE.  I don't want to see that happen if it can be avoided.  I'm not sure if you intend to have Miriam continue to represent you or if she'll accept service on your behalf.  I'm being upfront about this so you don't feel like I was trying to blindside you, much like you did me. 

I know you typically delete my emails without reading them but I'd like some sort or response from you before my appointment Monday at 10:00.  If you don't weigh in The modification will be filed with all proposed changes as well as a request to recalculate the support along with the contempt motion.  I really hate that this is what the situation has come to but you haven't left me with many options.  And since your relationship with Dylan always hinges off of your hatred for me, I doubt we'll see you for her recital or anything else. 

I welcome your input and am certainly open to any changes you would like to see made.  Before you argue that the court isn't likely to give me sole custody and support remember that the language in the first order did just that.  Even though we agreed on the changes reflected in this order it is not uncommon for judges to rule that way and the argument that you shouldn't have to pay if you don't have custody won't fly in GA.  You have joint custody now and haven't weighed in on a single parenting decision to date. 

There are plenty of choice words I wanted to throw in there but as I save all electronic correspondence between us I opted not to.  Why are some people such awful parents?  He isn't a bad person, he's just a bad father.  And maybe I'm a bad mother for allowing it to go on for so long.  And I've decided I hate his mother.  Here are just a few of the stupid things she's said:
- why does Dyl have your last name? I insist that you change it.  If you don't people will think she's the result on incest!
-"I love you more than your mommy and daddy do" was said to Dyl in my presence
-You seem high strung, do you need a Xanax?
-this one is paraprhrased- the boy shouldn't have to pay his child support.  As a mother it is up to you and your family to provide for her.  You should be grateful for whatever he does.  Do you need child support because you don't work?  Are you looking for him to take care of you?

If she calles me regarding the message I sent to him, I will tell her about herself.  I've been biting my tongue for so long, no more.  She made herself the third person in our relationship a long time ago and I should have stopped it when it happened.  Better late than never. 

Okay, I'm off to bed.  I'm going to come up with something happy to write about soon :)

Being a friend

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over."
-Gloria Naylor in The Women of Brewster's Place

I'm at a point in my life where I am re-evaluating relationships I have in my life.  There are some friends who are unable to be supportive of you and the decisions you make for whatever reason.  I think I'm a great friend to people.  I haven't always been that way- often thinking of how their decisions would impact me, not always seeing value in their decisions, and second guessing them at every turn.  However over the years I have learned that being a friend, a real friend, means supporting someone and being there for them.  I'm trimming people from my life who are unable to do this for me.  Reciprocity is important.

On the mommy front- Dyl and her Paw Paw are going to a father daughter dance this weekend.  She's so excited to be going to a special place with her Paw Paw.  They are going with our neighbors who Dylan adores.  I'm thrilled that she is going and even more so that my dad is as excited as Dyl is- probably more.  As much as it pains me that Dyl's dad can't do these things with her I'm happy that there is someone in her life who relishes the opportunity to do these things with her. 

She has requested a pink dress and noisy shoes.  That girl is easy to please :)

Contacts

I took Dyl to the pediatric opthamologist on Monday and was thrilled to learn the health of her eyes is great. The doctor said that her vision in one eye was 20/30 and 20/50 in the other eye which is no surprise since I'm as blind as a bat. He said that even though the difference wasn't major without corrective intervention one eye (the stronger eye) could become the dominant eye making the other one lazy and allowing the vision to get worse. When I asked about the lazy eye he said it wasn't something that would be visible to me ( I was worried she'd be cock-eyed or something) and that she didn't need a patch or anything. It was his recommendation that I consider getting glasses for her but if I didn't that was fine too. He said that I could come back in 6 months for another appt to see if the vision had changed but I assured him that I would get the glasses now. He said that since she was so young it is entirely possible that the other eye can get stronger and they will balance out meaning she won't have to wear glasses forever.

When we left Dyl told me that she wanted contracts so that she could wear sunglasses. I told her that was a no go but I'd find her some hot Prada frames (half way joking) so we are off to look at glasses for her this weekend.

Last Friday I turned 30 which was bittersweet. I had this whole list of things to check off by the time I turned 30 and I have fallen short. I'm going to use that to motivate myself to do more. But I realize that being a mom (which wasn't on my list) is the most important, frustrating, but ultimately rewarding thing I've ever done.

I also got flowers, cupcakes and a little blue box with the Garden Dragonfly Pendant that I've been eyeing forever. Its weird that the person who lavishes the most gifts on me is Dyl's dad and we are no longer together. Its hard to love someone so much but to know that you are not good for each other. And every time I feel like I've flushed him from my system he pops up again. We are in a perpetual one step forward, two steps back pattern. We met in 2001 and have been in this pattern for that many years. It seems like we've both dated other people but always end up back together but when we reconnect we never address why we parted ways before. Our problems are the elephant in the room that never get discussed. I always think that as we grow older things will be different but its always more of the same. When its good, its great, amazing even. When its bad, its awful.

Having been alone for the better part of a year, its nice to know that he still thinks of me though. I'm off to search for Prada toddler frames.

A busy and stressful few days

This week was Dyl's three year check up. She weighed 28.9 lbs and was 38" tall. She had on a heavy sweater dress so the doctor said it could be off by about 1 to 1.5 lbs. Her weight was in the 30th percentile and height was in the 71st percentile. We talked about what would happen so she did a great job.

Now for the not so hot part. When the doctor checked her eyes he said he noticed her red reflex was slightly uneven. I blurted to Gigi (Dyl's grandma) that Dyl would have to wear a patch. She said I was overly dramatic. The doctor suggested I take her to a pediatric opthamologist for further testing in the next few months and that we come back in 3 months for a weight check. She got 2 shots and a pink sucker and we were on our way.

I got home and went on google to figure out what the red reflex was. The doctor didn't really explain what it was other than how her eyes respond to light. He mentioned that a lot of parents notice it when they take flash pictures, one eye looks more red than the other or looks white. I take tons of pictures of Dyl and have never noticed anything. He said it was slight and tried to downplay it. Google/the internet in general is both a gift and a curse. As soon as I started searching I saw that it could be nothing, a cataract, or cancer. That freaked me out so I started calling the opthamologists on the list he gave me.

Dyl has her appointment on Jan 17, I made it yesterday. They scared me even more by saying we have one appt at 7:00 on Wednesday, are you sure you want to wait until the following Monday (like it was 20 years from now). The Scottish Rite hospital where the office is is (I always feel weird typing is is) at least an hour from home. Doing that for a 7:00 appt going into Atlanta is not a good idea. So I stuck with Wednesday even though I'm going to be stressed until then.

Oh, I also took like 50 pictures of Dyl with the camera right in her face. I told one of my friends what I was doing and she asked if I noticed anything in her eyes. I told her I saw anger, lots of anger from having the camera that close to her face. Keep us in your prayers.

Growling

Recently (like last night) I had a conversation with another mom. She's married and has two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Her child goes to daycare/preschool with my daughter. She and I speak in passing most days as her daughter is in Dyl's class. Yesterday we had an opportunity to have an actual conversation since we were waiting for someone to come to the front desk so we could pay our weekly tuition. I'm never sure how to respond to what appears to be an underhanded compliment, so I usually just deadpan and look at the person to see if they feel as uncomfortable as I do.

She mentioned how adorable Dylan's new coat and hat are. I said thanks. She asked where they were purchased. I said Nordstrom. Here's my (least) favorite part- she asked if I purchased them there or if someone else had and given it to me as a gift. After a long pause I told her that I purchased them. I think she realized that her question was inappropriate so to correct her mistake she just stuck it in even further by saying she knew I was a single mother and that there were some great second hand stores in and around our area that she often donates to and she didn't know if I had gotten the coat there as they have lots of great stuff at a good price. Blank stare again. Luckily the director came out of her office where she had been on the phone and processed our payments giving both of us an out in this conversation.

It wasn't until I got home that I became really upset about this conversation. I realize that Dyl will miss out on some experiences because her father is not in our home. She's the only child in her class that doesn't have a two parent home. And try as I may, I cannot force him to play a more active role in her life. But I also know that there is no shortage of love for Dyl at our house. In addition to me bending over backward so that she can have everything she needs and most everything she wants, my parents sacrifice for her on a daily basis. By sacrifice I don't mean monetarily, I mean they make Dyl a top priority just like I do. When it is father-daughter day at preschool, my dad will take off of work to make sure that he's there. Where there is a school function one or both of my parents are there in addition to me being there. When I was finishing my last semester of law school in Arkansas, my parents told me to let Dyl stay in their home in Georgia so that she could stay in her daycare and even though I was gone they wanted her routine to stay as normal as possible. Everyday my father asks Dyl if she wants a surprise, well almost everyday and she tells him she wants something pink. He stops at the store every single time she asks for a pink surpriseto make sure she gets one.

The statistics for children from single parent homes can be bleak. Those children can be underachievers in school, they are more likely to not graduate from high school, let alone college, and most scary of all they are more likely to become single parents. I considered all of these things while I was pregnant and Dyl's dad and I split up. But I also know that I can set a positive example for her. I'm not an underachiever- I have a BA, MA and JD. My parents both have post graduate degrees and at the end of the day being raised in a home with just me full of happiness would be better than being raised in a home with two parents and resentment. And to see an example of a working and loving relationship she sees her grandparents on a daily basis.

I know I'm rambling but I guess the point of this is that love doesn't require a mom and a dad in the home. I know that Dyl's dad loves her and she does too. She knows that I love her and she knows that my parents love her. Right now at the tender age of three, that's all she needs. That and a pink surprise on a semi-daily basis.

Craps

I'm going to look into more kid friendly crafts to do with Dyl. Most of our "craps" involve me doing all of the crafting and Dyl sorting materials for me and eating them. I think its because I have a thing for hot glue guns and she obviously can't have one yet. And even when she can she can't have mine, I might get a holster for it or commission Bow-issa to make me a girly one. I think Dyl and I will take a trip to Hobby Lobby and I will let her fill the cart with things that she wants to play with. That will be her reward for getting rid of some toys. We need to do some pre-spring cleaning around here and her toy boxes need to have some purging done. I think I'm a hoarder and I really don't want to pass that on to her.

Also, not sure how many of you know we are working on breaking our co-sleeping habit. I never intended to let her sleep in my bed. From day one I said I'd never co sleep and when she wouldn't latch on and I was forced to pump like a cow multiple times a day there really wasn't a reason for her to be in my bed. That lasted for the first 10-11 months. Then she started cutting molars and I held her one night and we fell asleep. After that she'd start out the night in her bed and migrate to mine which turned into not even getting in her bed to begin with. The past two nights she's gone to sleep around 8:30 in her bed and sleeps there until 4 or so. I'm hoping that she's well on her way to staying in there all night. Baby steps.

If you can suggest some kid friendly art projects and crafts or websites that cater to this sort of thing, Dyl and I would both appreciate it.

Today

Today is the anniversary of my grandmother's death. I have been thinking about her a lot lately. Her life. Her death. I remember everything surrounding the last couple of days. The tears, the whispered phone calls, taking it upon myself to inform other family members. Everything. And while all of the these memories are painful, I have also been thinking alot about myself. Would she be proud of me? Disappointed in me? My Nana always wanted to be around when I had a baby. She would always ask when I was going to have a baby. I'd respond by saying I didn't have a husband, I was in school, and that I wasn't wild about kids. My original due date with Dyl was December 29. Immediately upon hearing that I smiled and felt that in some way my Nana had a hand in this (as opposed to blaming Ortho Tri-cyclin light).

Even though it's not the new year yet, I feel its appropriate to take stock of my life and make some changes/resolutions. Last year I lost about 45-50 lbs. This coming year I must maintain my weight loss. I've learned that I like to walk/jog/run. It feels like the only "me time" I get during the day. My goal will be to hit 20 miles a week. Maybe I'll get some of those Reebok fit pants to make my butt look perky.

I want to become a better mother. I love Dyl more than anything in the world. But sometimes I find myself being short with her or more stern than necessary because of things going on with me. And every time this happens I'm racked with guilt. Even more so when she still comes to hug me and kiss me and says, "I love you too much." My goal is to take a step back and just enjoy her more.

That's it- Be skinny and be a good mom. Now your turn