Today

Today is the anniversary of my grandmother's death. I have been thinking about her a lot lately. Her life. Her death. I remember everything surrounding the last couple of days. The tears, the whispered phone calls, taking it upon myself to inform other family members. Everything. And while all of the these memories are painful, I have also been thinking alot about myself. Would she be proud of me? Disappointed in me? My Nana always wanted to be around when I had a baby. She would always ask when I was going to have a baby. I'd respond by saying I didn't have a husband, I was in school, and that I wasn't wild about kids. My original due date with Dyl was December 29. Immediately upon hearing that I smiled and felt that in some way my Nana had a hand in this (as opposed to blaming Ortho Tri-cyclin light).

Even though it's not the new year yet, I feel its appropriate to take stock of my life and make some changes/resolutions. Last year I lost about 45-50 lbs. This coming year I must maintain my weight loss. I've learned that I like to walk/jog/run. It feels like the only "me time" I get during the day. My goal will be to hit 20 miles a week. Maybe I'll get some of those Reebok fit pants to make my butt look perky.

I want to become a better mother. I love Dyl more than anything in the world. But sometimes I find myself being short with her or more stern than necessary because of things going on with me. And every time this happens I'm racked with guilt. Even more so when she still comes to hug me and kiss me and says, "I love you too much." My goal is to take a step back and just enjoy her more.

That's it- Be skinny and be a good mom. Now your turn